I Bet Hes Thinking About Being His Own Country Again
Editors' notation: This article was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Dear Messages to Texas' collector's outcome.
Common as cornbread, old as clay, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, carrying the resolute spirit and plainspoken sense of humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty just make us laugh. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we present as well a sample of other axioms and adages mutual to the land—a collection of sayings equally big as all hell and half of Texas.
Adequate
It's meliorate than a poke in the middle with a sharp stick.
That's close enough for government piece of work.
Might likewise. Can't dance, never could sing, and it's too wet to plow.
I could sit all the same for that.
You tin can't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting down.
He'south all hat and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced it.
Dishonest
He's on a kickoff-proper noun basis with the bottom of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked yous tin can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more ways to accept your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a dog'due south hind leg.
Kleptomaniacal as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel mill.
Crooked as a butt of fish hooks.
So kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He's slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I tin can throw him.
Honest
If that own't a fact, God'southward a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
Yous tin can hang your chapeau on information technology.
Yous can bet the farm on it.
He's and so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
Brave
Brave every bit the start homo who ate an oyster.
Brave every bit a bigamist.
Dauntless enough to consume in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He'south got more than guts than yous could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
She could outset a fight in an empty house.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
He's the only hell his mama e'er raised.
He's got his tail up.
She'southward in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so contrary she floats upwards-stream.
She'due south dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell yous how the cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's frock.
If he was melted down, he couldn't exist poured into a fight.
He's first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellow as mustard simply without the bite.
He may not be a craven, but he has his henhouse means.
Dry
So dry the birds are edifice their nests out of spinous wire.
And so dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry out the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry out so long, nosotros only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah's Flood.
And then dry out I'm spitting cotton fiber.
Dry equally a powder firm.
Dry as the centre of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Decorated
He'due south so busy you'd think he was twins.
They're doing a land-office business.
Busy equally a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral dwelling house fan in July.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy every bit a stump-tailed balderdash in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea flavor.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the southward xl before breakfast.
Got to get dorsum to my rat killing.
She's jumping similar hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her anxiety.
Unsophisticated
Simply fell off the turnip (watermelon, irish potato) truck.
He'southward so land he thinks a seven-form meal is a possum and a half-dozen-pack.
They lived so far out in the land that the sun fix between their firm and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He's got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She's got equus caballus sense.
He's got enough of notches on his gun.
She'due south a right smart windmill logroller.
He could find a whisper in a cyclone.
At that place'southward no slack in her rope.
He'south a three-bound cowboy.
He can ride the rough cord.
If she crows, the lord's day is upwardly.
This ain't my starting time rodeo.
Full general Advice
Pigs get fat; hogs go slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can't fall downward.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Just because a craven has wings don't hateful it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You lot can't get lard unless yous boil the hog.
If you cutting your own firewood, it'll warm you twice.
There'southward more than ane way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
Requite me the salary without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else'due south line.
Practice God'due south will, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that dogie once more? (Say what?)
Why shear a grunter?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering downward the pelting.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Better to keep your rima oris shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all dubiety.
The barn door's open and the mule'due south trying to run. (Your fly's down.)
Don't get all het up nearly it.
There's a big deviation between the ox and the whiffletree.
In that location's no tree merely bears some fruit.
Skin your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule's tail tin can grab cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a overflowing.
If you lot prevarication down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
A lean canis familiaris runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Allow's shoot out the lights.
Nosotros'll paint the town and the front porch.
Let's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll clothing my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied up.
Big
Fat every bit a boardinghouse true cat.
Fat as a town canis familiaris.
She'due south warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what y'all call him every bit long equally you call him to supper.
And then big he looks like he ate his brother.
And so big he has to sit down in shifts.
Big as Brewster County.
Big as Dallas.
Big every bit a Brahma balderdash.
She'd rather milkshake than rattle.
He's large enough to bear chase with a branch.
He's all spread out similar a cold supper.
Broad as two ax handles.
He'll swallow annihilation that don't eat him first.
Cheap
Tight equally Dick's hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight equally a moisture kick.
Tight enough to raise a cicatrice.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has brusque arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She'due south ane chimera off plumb.
She's one brick shy of a load.
She'due south two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few pickles brusque of a barrel.
There's a light or two burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light's on but no 1'south dwelling.
He's lost his vertical concur.
He's overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you clucking, only I can't find your nest.
She's got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee's calf.
Lucky
He could draw a pat paw from a stacked deck.
He ever draws the best bull.
He'due south riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit down on the debate and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton.
Running with the large dogs.
He didn't come up to town two to a mule.
She'south got more than she can say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to swallow her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's then broke he'south busted all Ten Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
And then poor I had a tumbleweed equally a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll upwardly into a ball when I hear a dog bark.
So poor nosotros had to fertilize the sills before we could enhance the windows.
Poor equally sawmill rats.
He's bankrupt equally a stick horse.
He'southward besides poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't fifty-fifty stop at their door.
So poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot every bit the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot equally a depot stove.
Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a baton goat in a pepper patch.
Hot equally a summertime revival.
Hot as a pot of cervix bones.
Hot every bit a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a called-for stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur glaze in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Common cold
This is grunter-killing weather.
There's only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it'south down (after a blizzard).
Cold every bit a well-digger's knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's center.
Cold every bit a bandage-iron commode.
Cold every bit a broker'due south center.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I experience then depression I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
You lot look like you were sent for and couldn't become.
Sorry enough to bring a tear to a glass middle.
He looks like the cheese savage off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He'southward human knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd accept to stand up upwardly to look a rattler in the eye.
About equally large equally the piddling end of nothing.
Half as big equally a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny equally Ace Reid cattle.
Null between the horns and hooves only hibernate.
Sparse as a bar's ear.
Thin as a gnat'south whisker.
Thin as store-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Sparse as a dabble string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand up twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you could requite her a Big Red and use her as a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He'due south such a liar he'd beat you senseless and tell God you barbarous off a horse.
He was built-in sorry.
He's so depression he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama's egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma'due south grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.
No-account fellow.
Bitter as gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough equally whang.
Mean as a mama wasp.
Friendly as a brier bush.
She makes a hornet expect cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Rough as a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies similar a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama'due south fleas.
He's got horns property up his halo.
Nosotros're non on borrowing terms.
Yous're so low you take to await up to come across hell.
He's so low you couldn't put a carpeting under him.
He jumped on me with all 4 feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He can accident out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets nighttime.
He gets there in half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded true cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going similar a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd take hold of up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Strong
His jiff's so stiff you could hang out the washing on information technology.
That coffee's so potent it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so strong it'll walk into your loving cup.
Coffee so strong information technology'll raise a blood blister on a boot.
He'southward so strong he makes Samson expect sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Wait what the cat dragged in.
Visitor's coming; add a cup of h2o to the soup.
Nosotros've howdied but nosotros haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let'south chaw the rag.
Departure/Good-bye
Let's light a shuck.
It's time to oestrus up the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It's time to swap spit and hit the road.
It's fourth dimension to put out the fire and phone call in the dogs.
He'southward heading for the carriage thou.
Allow'south accident this pop stand.
That most puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will absurd if greedy will permit information technology.
Take a tater and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Launder off your war pigment.
Tired
Looks like she'south been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's os.
I was built-in tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One wheel downwardly and the beam dragging.
I'm most about by going.
Ill
He'due south got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'm and then sick I'd accept to get meliorate to die.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper's busted.
As full of pains every bit an onetime window.
I've got the light-green apple nasties.
He looks similar decease warmed over.
So ill he needs two beds.
Deplorable equally a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his rima oris and so much he must swallow bullets for breakfast.
He's got a ten-gallon mouth.
She speaks 10 words a second, with gusts to 50.
Her natural language is plumb tuckered.
She's got tongue enough for x rows of teeth.
She beats her ain gums to death.
He blew in on his ain wind.
He's a live lexicon.
He'south a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up similar a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous equally a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the gum pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her flake.
Caution
You were too hard to enhance to take chances.
Don't dig upwards more snakes than yous can kill.
Whistle before yous walk into a stranger's camp.
Don't plough likewise shut to the cotton.
A dead snake tin however bite.
A dead bee can withal sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a bullheaded pig tin can find an acorn once in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my business firm, I'd certain appreciate it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave yous for singing lessons?
Were y'all raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipage and smoke information technology.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
Y'all smell similar you want to be left alone.
Get peddle your own produce.
Get cork your pistol.
If y'all break your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatever greases your carriage.
Problem
Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong carriage.
They hung the wrong equus caballus thief.
He ripped his britches.
There'south a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Fourth dimension
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the wind.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He bankrupt his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes up merely to hear him crow.
I'd similar to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She's so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She'due south so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunkard/Drinking
He wasn't born, simply squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunk.
Drunkard as Cooter Brownish.
Drunk every bit a skunk.
Don't chop any wood tonight; Daddy's coming habitation with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee joint-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks like hell with everyone out to tiffin.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking canis familiaris.
Every bit welcome equally an outhouse breeze.
Equally welcome as screwworm.
Equally welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a backyard party.
Every bit welcome as a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No hill for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Easy every bit pie.
Difficult
Similar trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Piece of cake as pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the atmospheric condition or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar pocketknife.
Smart
Bright every bit a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his brain, it would fly north for the winter.
He doesn't take enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't fifty-fifty sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb as dirt.
Dumb every bit a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Dumb every bit a post.
Dumb every bit a wagon wheel.
Dumb as a prairie canis familiaris.
Impaired as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come up here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He tin can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, information technology'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which end's upwardly.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nix from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a kicking with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a encephalon, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you lot can hit him in the confront with a tire atomic number 26 and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw up an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-brush handling.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock y'all plumb into next calendar week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Non what I had my face up stock-still for.
Similar hugging a rose bush-league.
Nothing to write home about.
That domestic dog won't hunt.
I'd just equally before long bite a bug.
I don't cotton wool to information technology.
Confused
Dislocated every bit a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got defenseless in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was proverb.
I can explain it to you lot, but I tin can't understand it for you.
He ran 'em effectually the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose as ashes in the air current.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvass for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the coating.
She'southward institute a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper earlier they said grace.
They planted their crop earlier they built their argue.
They're hitched but not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She'southward got a bun in the oven.
She'due south sitting on the nest.
She's got one in the chute.
She'due south been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a chip from a butt.
You don't live longer in the city; information technology just seems that fashion.
Noisy
Noisy as 2 skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
Noisy equally a restless mule in a can barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Granddaddy's Sunday tie.
He called his hogs all night. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hit the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy equally hip pockets on a pig.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as ii buggies in a i-horse town.
He could screw up a ii-auto funeral.
Tie a quarter to information technology and throw it abroad, and you can say you lost something.
He's got no more chance than a June bug in the craven coop.
He's a day late and a dollar short.
He can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I demand that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
No more than good than an eyeless needle.
Like warming upwards leftover snow.
Similar pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sugariness-talking the h2o out of the well.
Skilful, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby'due south jiff.
Sweeter than an sometime maid's dream.
He took to you lot like a pig to persimmons.
He took to y'all similar a fish to h2o.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy equally a clam at high tide.
Happy as a grunter in mud.
Safe as Granny's snuffbox.
Off-white to middling.
Pert every bit a cricket.
Soft as a ii-minute egg.
All wool and a yard wide.
I'm cooking on a forepart burner today.
If I felt whatsoever better, I'd driblet my harp plumb through the cloud.
If I felt any better, I'd retrieve information technology was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sugariness and low-cal.
This is so proficient it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine equally dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The porch low-cal is always burning.
Long as I got a beige, you lot got half.
Distance
Down the road a slice.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say it'southward far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the primary road.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more frequently than Mama's washing.
He'south like a blister—he doesn't prove upwards till the work's all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail service-guild helpmate.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Dark
As dark as the inside of a wolf.
Dark as bury air.
Dark as a pocket.
Night equally a moo-cow.
Dark as a blueish norther.
Nighttime as the devil's riding boots.
Dark as truck-cease coffee.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Scarce as hen's teeth.
Deficient equally grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Deadening (as a knife)
You lot could ride all the fashion to Large Spring on it and never split a hair.
Information technology wouldn't cut hot butter.
Yous could scratch your dorsum with information technology and never draw blood.
Irksome (boring)
As heady as waiting for paint to dry.
As heady as a mashed-irish potato sandwich.
Every bit much fun as chopping forest.
Deadening every bit Henry's bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent as a pig on ice.
I don't know you from Adam'due south off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
That's two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't care if information technology harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He's and then slow he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie's eye.
melendezasher1949.blogspot.com
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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