Not Shure if You Trying to Be Funny or a Dick

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Peter Brand: The Visalia Oaks and our 240 lb catcher Jeremy Brown, who as you know, scared to run to second base. This was in a game six weeks ago. This guy is going to start him off with a fastball. Jeremy's going to take him to deep center. Here's what's really interesting, because Jeremy's gonna do what he never does. He's gonna go for it. He's gonna around first and he's gonna go for it. Okay?

[On the video, Jeremy trips and falls over first base]

Peter Brand: This is all Jeremy's nightmares coming to life.

Billy Beane: Awwww, they're laughing at him.

Peter Brand: And Jeremy's about to find out why. Jeremy's about to realize that the ball went 60 feet over the fence. He hit a home run and didn't even realize it.

Billy Beane: It's hard not to be romantic about baseball. This kind of thing, it's fun for the fans. It sells tickets and hot dogs. Doesn't mean anything.

Peter Brand: Billy, we just won twenty games in a row.

Billy Beane: And what's the point?

Peter Brand: We just got the record.

Billy Beane: Man, I've been doing this for... listen, man. I've been in this game a long time. I'm not in it for a record, I'll tell you that. I'm not in it for a ring. That's when people get hurt. If we don't win the last game of the Series, they'll dismiss us.

Peter Brand: Billy...

Billy Beane: I know these guys. I know the way they think, and they will erase us. And everything we've done here, none of it'll matter. Any other team wins the World Series, good for them. They're drinking champagne, they get a ring. But if we win, on our budget, with this team... we'll have changed the game. And that's what I want. I want it to mean something.

Billy Beane: Would you rather get one shot in the head or five in the chest and bleed to death?

Peter Brand: Are those my only two options?

Billy Beane: When your enemy's making mistakes, don't interrupt him. Let him keep going. Say, "Thank you."

Billy Beane: You get on base, we win. You don't, we lose. And I *hate* losing, Chavy. I *hate* it. I hate losing more than I even wanna win.

John Henry: For forty-one million, you built a playoff team. You lost Damon, Giambi, Isringhausen, Pena and you won more games without them than you did with them. You won the exact same number of games that the Yankees won, but the Yankees spent one point four million per win and you paid two hundred and sixty thousand. I know you've taken it in the teeth out there, but the first guy through the wall. It always gets bloody, always. It's the threat of not just the way of doing business, but in their minds it's threatening the game. But really what it's threatening is their livelihoods, it's threatening their jobs, it's threatening the way that they do things. And every time that happens, whether it's the government or a way of doing business or whatever it is, the people are holding the reins, have their hands on the switch. They go bat shit crazy. I mean, anybody who's not building a team right and rebuilding it using your model, they're dinosaurs. They'll be sitting on their ass on the sofa in October, watching the Boston Red Sox win the World Series.

Scout Barry: We're all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children's game, we just don't... don't know when that's gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we're all told.

Peter Brand: There is an epidemic failure within the game to understand what is really happening. And this leads people who run Major League Baseball teams to misjudge their players and mismanage their teams. I apologize.

Billy Beane: Go on.

Peter Brand: Okay. People who run ball clubs, they think in terms of buying players. Your goal shouldn't be to buy players, your goal should be to buy wins. And in order to buy wins, you need to buy runs. You're trying to replace Johnny Damon. The Boston Red Sox see Johnny Damon and they see a star who's worth seven and half million dollars a year. When I see Johnny Damon, what I see is... is... an imperfect understanding of where runs come from. The guy's got a great glove. He's a decent leadoff hitter. He can steal bases. But is he worth the seven and half million dollars a year that the Boston Red Sox are paying him? No. No. Baseball thinking is medieval. They are asking all the wrong questions. And if I say it to anybody, I'm-I'm ostracized. I'm-I'm-I'm a leper. So that's why I'm-I'm cagey about this with you. That's why I... I respect you, Mr. Beane, and if you want full disclosure, I think it's a good thing that you got Damon off your payroll. I think it opens up all kinds of interesting possibilities.

[after an argument about Billy's statistical approach to baseball instead of trusting his scouts]

Billy Beane: I'm not gonna fire you, Grady.

Grady Fuson: Fuck you, Billy.

Billy Beane: Now I will.

Peter Brand: [Sleeping. His phone rings, waking him up] Hello?

Billy Beane: Pete? It's Billy Beane.

Peter Brand: Wh-what time is it?

Billy Beane: I don't know. Pete, would you have drafted me in the first round?

Peter Brand: What?

Billy Beane: After we talked, you looked me up. Would you have drafted me in the first round?

Peter Brand: Yeah, I did. You-you were pretty good.

Billy Beane: Cut the crap, Pete. Would you have drafted me in the first round?

Peter Brand: I would have picked you in the 9th round. No signing bonus. I think that would have convinced you to accept that scholarship.

Billy Beane: Pack your bags, Pete. I just bought you from the Cleveland Indians.

Billy Beane: I pay you to get on first, not get thrown out at second.

Billy Beane: We want you to play 1st base for the Oakland A's.

Scott Hatteberg: OK, well, I've only ever played catcher.

Billy Beane: Scott, you're not a catcher any more. If you were our call wouldn't be the only one you got when your contract expired.

Scott Hatteberg: Yeah, hey, listen, no I, I appreciate it.

Billy Beane: You're welcome.

Scott Hatteberg: But the thing, thing is is that...

Billy Beane: You don't know how to play 1st base. Scott...

Scott Hatteberg: That's right.

Billy Beane: It's not that hard, Scott. Tell him Wash.

Ron Washington: It's incredibly hard.

Billy Beane: Hey, anything worth doing is. And we're gonna teach you.

Peter Brand: Billy, this is Chad Bradford. He's a relief pitcher. He is one of the most undervalued players in baseball. His defect is that he throws funny. Nobody in the big leagues cares about him, because he looks funny. This guy could be not just the best pitcher in our bullpen, but one of the most effective relief pitchers in all of baseball. This guy should cost $3 million a year. We can get him for $237,000.

Billy Beane: Guys, you're just talking. Talking, "la-la-la-la", like this is business as usual. It's not.

Grady Fuson: We're trying to solve the problem here, Billy.

Billy Beane: Not like this you're not. You're not even looking at the problem.

Grady Fuson: We're very aware of the problem. I mean...

Billy Beane: Okay, good. What's the problem?

Grady Fuson: Look, Billy, we all understand what the problem is. We have to...

Billy Beane: Okay, good. What's the problem?

Grady Fuson: The problem is we have to replace three key players in our lineup.

Billy Beane: Nope. What's the problem?

Pittaro: Same as it's ever been. We've gotta replace these guys with what we have existing.

Billy Beane: Nope. What's the problem, Barry?

Scout Barry: We need 38 home runs, 120 RBIs and 47 doubles to replace.

Billy Beane: Ehh!

[imitates buzzer]

Billy Beane: The problem we're trying to solve is that there are rich teams and there are poor teams. Then there's fifty feet of crap, and then there's us. It's an unfair game. And now we've been gutted. We're like organ donors for the rich. Boston's taken our kidneys, Yankees have taken our heart. And you guys just sit around talking the same old "good body" nonsense like we're selling jeans. Like we're looking for Fabio. We've got to think differently. We are the last dog at the bowl. You see what happens to the runt of the litter? He dies.

Billy Beane: If you lose the last game of the season, nobody gives a shit.

Peter Brand: It's about getting things down to one number. Using the stats the way we read them, we'll find value in players that no one else can see. People are overlooked for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality. Bill James and mathematics cut straight through that. Billy, of the 20,000 notable players for us to consider, I believe that there is a championship team of twenty-five people that we can afford, because everyone else in baseball undervalues them.

David Justice: Scotty H.

Scott Hatteberg: Yo, what's up, D.J.?

David Justice: Pickin' machine.

[Scott laughs]

David Justice: How you likin' first base, man?

Scott Hatteberg: It's, uh... it's coming along. Picking it up. You know, tough transition, but I'm starting to feel better with it.

David Justice: Yeah?

Scott Hatteberg: Yeah.

David Justice: What's your biggest fear?

Scott Hatteberg: A baseball being hit in my general direction

[Hatteberg and Justice share a laugh]

David Justice: That's funny. Seriously, what is it?

Scott Hatteberg: No, seriously, that is.

[uncomfortable pause; Hatteberg leaves]

David Justice: Well, hey, good luck with that.

Billy Beane: [having declined a $12.5 million offer to GM the Red Sox] I made one decision in my life based on money. And I swore I would never do it again.

Billy Beane: [during a meeting with his scouts] If we try to play like the Yankees in here, we will lose to the Yankees out there.

Billy Beane: Art, you got a minute?

Art Howe: Yeah. Take a seat.

Billy Beane: You can't start Peña at first tonight. You'll have to start Hatteberg.

Art Howe: Yeah, I don't want to go fifteen rounds, Billy. The lineup card is mine, and that's all.

Billy Beane: That lineup card is definitely yours. I'm just saying you can't start Peña at first.

Art Howe: Well, I am starting him at first.

Billy Beane: I don't think so. He plays for Detroit now.

Art Howe: You *traded* Peña?

Billy Beane: Yeah. And Menechino, Hiljus, Tam are all being sent down.

Art Howe: You are outside your mind.

Billy Beane: Yeah. Cuckoo.

Jeremy Giambi: [knocking on door] You wanted to see me?

Billy Beane: Yeah, Jeremy, grab a seat.

[Jeremy sits down]

Billy Beane: Jeremy, you've been traded to the Phillies. This is Ed Wade's number. He's a good guy, he's the GM. He's expecting your call. Buddy will help you with the plane flight. You're a good ballplayer, Jeremy, and we wish you the best.

[Jeremy sighs and exits]

Billy Beane: Jeremy's gone, too.

Art Howe: [shaking his head in disbelief] You're killing this team.

[Billy's scouts are dismissive of Scott Hatteberg because he walks a lot]

Billy Beane: He gets on base a lot. Do I care if it's a walk or a hit?

Grady Fuson: Artie, who do you like?

Scout Artie: I like Perez. He's got a classy swing; its a real clean stroke.

Scout Barry: He can't hit a curve ball.

Scout Artie: Yeah, there's some work to be done, I'll admit that.

Scout Barry: Yeah, there is.

Scout Artie: But he is noticeable.

Matt Keough: And an ugly girlfriend.

Scout Barry: What does that mean?

Matt Keough: Ugly girlfriend means no confidence.

Scout Barry: OK.

[Beane buries his head in hands out of frustration with the conversation]

John Poloni: Now you guys are full of it. Artie's right. This guy's got an attitude and an attitude is good. I mean it's the kind of guy who walks into a room and his dick has already been there for two minutes.

Phil Pote: He passes the eye candy test. He's got the looks. He's great at playing the part. He just needs to get some playing time.

Matt Keough: I'm just saying his girlfriend is a 6 at best.

Billy Beane: We got a problem, David?

David Justice: No, it's okay. I know your routine. It's patter, it's for effect. But it's for them, all right? That shit ain't for me.

Billy Beane: Oh, you're special?

David Justice: You're paying me seven million bucks a year, man, so yeah, maybe I am, a little bit.

Billy Beane: No, man, I ain't paying you seven. Yankees are paying half your salary. That's what the New York Yankees think of you. They're paying you three and a half million dollars to play against them.

Peter Brand: [sportscasters are crediting Art Howe for the A's dramatic turnaround] Did you hear that?

Billy Beane: All I heard was "seven in a row".

Billy Beane: [after the Opening Day ceremony] I'm going in. Text me the play by play.

Peter Brand: What? Why?

Billy Beane: [as if it's obvious] I don't watch the games.

Peter Brand: It's about getting things down to one number. Using stats to reread them, we'll find the value of players that nobody else can see. People are over looked for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality. Bill James and mathematics cuts straight through that. Billy, of the twenty thousand knowable players for us to consider, I believe that there is a championship team of twenty five people that we can afford. Because everyone else in baseball under values them. Like an island of misfit toys.

Billy Beane: Guys, you're still trying to replace Giambi. I told you we can't do it, and we can't do it. Now, what we might be able to do is re-create him. Re-create him in the aggregate.

Grady Fuson: The what?

Billy Beane: Giambi's on-base percentage was .477. Damon's on-base, .324. And Olmedo's was .291. Add that up, and you get...

[snapping his fingers and pointing at Pete]

Peter Brand: Do you want me to speak?

Billy Beane: When I point at you, yeah.

Peter Brand: 1.092.

Billy Beane: [snapping] Divided by three.

Peter Brand: .364.

Billy Beane: That's what we're looking for. Three ballplayers... three ballplayers whose average OBP is...

[snapping]

Peter Brand: .364.

Billy Beane: I want Dye in right, Justice DHing, Peña on the bench, Hatteberg at first, and anyone but Mags first out of the pen.

Art Howe: You want Peña on the bench?

Billy Beane: That's right. So you can play Hatty.

Art Howe: Peña is not only the best first baseman on the roster, he's the only first baseman on the roster.

Billy Beane: Listen to me, Hatty gets on base more than Peña. In fact, twenty percent more.

Art Howe: And his fielding?

Billy Beane: His fielding does not matter.

Art Howe: I've heard enough of this.

Billy Beane: Have you?

Art Howe: And I, uh... I disagree with you, plain and simple. And moreover, I'm playing my team in a way that I can explain in job interviews next winter.

Billy Beane: If he's a good hitter, why doesn't he hit good?

Art Howe: I think we can judge it, and I like him. But I can judge him. First base is the moon to him.

[after the A's lose a game, Billy hears funk music coming from the players' locker room. Irritated, he walks in to see Jeremy Giambi dancing on a table and other players having a good time. Billy takes a baseball bat and smashes the stereo playing music, startling the players and stopping the music]

Billy Beane: [to Giambi] Get down. Is losing fun?

[no answer]

Billy Beane: Is losing fun?

Jeremy Giambi: No.

Billy Beane: Then what are you having fun for?

[Billy throws the baseball bat where it hits a set of weights making a long, loud crashing noise]

Billy Beane: [points to that area] That is what losing sounds like.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1210166/quotes/qt1566269

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